Posted by Jesus on March 19, 2007
Today’s topic is a little bit touchy. Over and over again I’ve pointed out examples of how you should all behave or not behave when spreading the Word, made it clear that we allow for some bending of the rules, and have even suggested that Americans might drop some of their more veiled language and just get right to the heart of the problem when confronting others about their sins. No one in your society is as dedicated to those causes as the man we’ll talk about today. If you’ve been reading here for a little while in the hopes that a great role model might get suggested, today is the day your prayers get answered…all four of them.
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Posted by Jesus on March 18, 2007
An interesting event took place over in Tennessee last week, and I would be shirking my duties as your Lord and Savior if I didn’t address it directly. Very rarely does a chance to teach so much come from such a simple story. A man with a gun walked into a meeting at a Baptist church on a Monday night, when about 20 people were present, and demanded money. What happened next is the a true manifestation of what I would have done, were I there in body and not just in spirit. If you’d like you can read the article directly, or just read on below for enlightenment.
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Posted by Jesus on March 16, 2007
Ricardo Penta prayed in this morning to point me toward this article regarding paranormal beliefs. It’s a short read, but covers a lot of ground. To close what has been an exceptionally fulfilling week here at openjesus.org, I’ve decided to respond in full to these issues, as it’s important that my followers recognize the difference between something Dad put there for you, and something that is an abomination and will land you in Hell.
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Posted by Jesus on March 15, 2007
There was a time, not so long ago, that Texas was my “Earth home.” If I ever wanted to visit, I’d almost exclusively do so in Texas. I still love Texas today, but something has changed. I’m sure you’ve all seen the news reports of Governor Rick Perry issuing an executive order to have all young women vaccinated against HPV by now. What you might not have seen yet is that Texas isn’t going down without a fight, which is the topic of our discussion today.
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Posted by Jesus on March 14, 2007
A few readers prayed in this morning to ask about the Damnation Level images at the bottom of every post. Apparently they’re causing some confusion among the masses, so I thought that today, instead of damning someone or discussing matters of faith, I’d just talk about your eternal soul and how it is impacted by this highly usable and easy-to-follow alert scale.
If you’ve lived in America for any amount of time you’re likely to have heard of 9/11. Following these terror attacks by radical Muslims, a large number of whom were from the as of yet unbombed nation of Saudi Arabia, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security instituted a color-coded terror alert system designed to keep the public informed and aware of threats to their well-being. They call this the Homeland Security Advisory System, and it is among the greatest concepts ever to emerge from the mind of a mortal and God-fearing human. Nothing else even comes close to paralleling what the term fear of God should mean to an individual as does this scale. Since Americans have responded so well to the official Homeland Security Advisory System, it was decided early-on that openjesus.org would reproduce to some degree the Department of Homeland Security’s own scale for use in the saving of souls. This is why we have the Damnation Level.
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Posted by Jesus on March 13, 2007
I wonder sometimes, is this still one nation Under God? Is America still the land of the Christian? Are you willing to step up and prove it again, like you’ve done time and time again when we’ve needed you? Pay attention, flock, because Jesus is about to talk about something important. Our topic today comes from Daniel Burke of the Religion News Service, who in an article for beliefnet.com outs the first atheist member of your congress, Representative Pete Stark, a Democrat from California.
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Posted by Jesus on March 12, 2007
Today I decided to dig up an old article, what with nothing else being on my radar except a couple of priest molestations, the beheading of a Christian by some muslims somewhere, and a couple of billion Christians continuing to spread hypocricy and idiocy around. I know a huge chunk of people saw this article when it landed a year ago, but I wonder how many of you really thought about what the results of the study meant.
The basis of the study is thus: a group of heart surgery patients are drawn up and some are prayed for and some are not. Some of the people undergoing surgery are told they’re being prayed for and some are not. In the end the people being prayed for had no better results, and those who knew they were being prayed for had worse results than those who didn’t or weren’t sure. On the surface it looks like a big loss for prayer, but given some of the things you folks are praying about today I’d like to address this for what it is.
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Posted by Jesus on March 11, 2007
I want to start today by thanking all of the people who sent their prayers yesterday, on my day off. Dad doesn’t allow anyone to work in Heaven on the 7th Day, so they just stack up and we have to work extra hard come Sunday to pick up the slack. Add to that the fact that all of you silly Americans seem to want to go to church on what your calendar calls the first day, and you can bet that our Sunday mornings in Heaven City are just a big barrel of laughs. Think of it like your Monday mornings, but with a whole bunch of jet-ski accidents and burned-down houses smoking up your cubicle.
But you know what, I’m not here to complain today. Here at OpenJesus.org it’s all about change. Instead of spending my Sunday fuming over the backlog of prayers up here, I’m instituting a new weekly column. I’m going to call it A Jesus Jackpot. Catchy title, eh? That’s how things work up here, we’ve got some of the most creative minds you can imagine sitting around thinking this stuff up. If all else fails you can take the matter to Dad, who of course knew you were coming, had created the question and given it to you when He created you in the first place, and has the perfect answer for you. And when I say perfect, I don’t mean perfect as in “hey, that’s exactly the kind of thing I was looking for.” No, when Dad pulls out perfect, it’s perfect. Like the cosmos couldn’t exist and everything that is good would cease immediately if that answer wasn’t given to that question.
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Posted by Jesus on March 9, 2007
Every so often it’s important to recognize something being done in the Christian community which isn’t going to get people sent to Hell. To that end, here’s a story about a man who needs little help getting into Heaven. Even though he is blind, Rev. Barry Stirbens is one of those people who would have been able to do anything he wanted in life, and he chose to follow Dad’s calling.
In Massillon, Ohio, Stirbens preaches the same message as most preachers, reads the same Bible as most preachers (although his is Braille), and does the same duties as most preachers. What sets him apart is his unique method of saving souls by putting them to work in the service of Dad. Because he is blind, Stirbens cannot handle some of the usual tasks of the church. So he outsources them.
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Posted by Jesus on March 8, 2007
A few readers prayed about a new study which suggests that many Americans today are failing basic religion. This is of course exactly the kind of thing on which my flock should be working. If Americans don’t know enough about me and my Dad how can we be expected to continue to bless America? We go where the prayers are, and if another nation is willing to step up and commit more money and time to us than America we’ll just have to move along. It’s simple economics, people. You’re already dangerously close to the limit of minimum acceptable standards in your prayers, and if your knowledge of me and Dad gets any worse we might just have to reroll the place again and try with even more stringent rules.
Become enlightened…continue reading »
