Posted by Jesus on March 30, 2007
You’d think that with so many other things happening around the world - war, hunger, genocide, muslim extremism, atheism, abortions, homosexuality, and hate, to name a few - you Christians wouldn’t spend so much time worrying about whether or not someone becomes Saint this or Saint that after their death. I simply cannot tell you the number of prayers I’ve received lately about Pope John Paul’s miracle cure and likely ascension to sainthood. It’s like some of you have put your entire lives on hold until this gets settled or something. What’s even worse are those of you praying in asking about whether I support him or not. Well, let me explain…
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Posted by Jesus on March 29, 2007
Most of my followers have heard of a band called Jars of Clay. Heck, a whole bunch of my non-followers have even heard of them. They are one of Christian music’s most talented and influential groups, and until recently one of my own favorites as well. Unfortunately, Jars has gone and done something that did not begin with them asking themselves the question what would Jesus do? No, they just went and wrote a song about the war in Iraq, and not the good kind of song. No, they’ve written the kind of song Neil Young might write, if he were a talented and relevant voice for the popular Christian alternative youth scene. Which he’s not. Thank Dad. Who’d want to hear that? Down by the riii - ver, I baptized my baaaay - beeee! No thanks.
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Posted by Jesus on March 28, 2007
Over in Dallas they’re trying to stop a man from feeding the homeless. According to this article in USA Today, Don Hart, a Dallas businessman and minister, has been feeding homeless people for quite some time at a location which the City of Dallas has not designated as a proper site to help the poor and needy. You read that right, the City of Dallas has nine designated areas where charities or individuals can legally help their neighbor. People who are following Dad’s rules and doing what I would do, or who do not conplete a city-mandated food-safety course are subject to a $2000 fine. Heck, I don’t even get $2000 out of some of these people.
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Posted by Jesus on March 27, 2007
Finally, it’s been released. I’ve been waiting a while to talk about this particular article, but it’s kind of hard when only a few people on the planet know about it. Up here in Heaven it’s been getting a lot of attention though, because we’ve finally found a way to drop a big pile of proof on the heads of all of the wanna-be Christians out there that Alabama is, in fact, the most intelligent and religiously driven state in the USA. The proof itself comes in the form of a study which found that Alabamians are more knowledgeable about the Bible than any other geographical group.
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Posted by Jesus on March 26, 2007
It’s not huge news or anything, but you know that sign you’ve all been asking for? You know the one, “Jesus, I really want to give up my possessions and live in the woods, just send me a sign and I’ll do it.” Well, you’re welcome. Amidst all the frauds and the images found on toast, I have actually sent you all a physical manifestation of my existence. Anyone who has asked for some sort of token from me over the last, say, sixty years, should definitely go have a look at the blood on my portraits. It is all that you seek and more.
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Posted by Jesus on March 25, 2007
It is often disappointing to us up here in Heaven when one of our true believers is shunned or ridiculed for following the faith so closely. Sometimes these people are labeled fundamentalists or fanatical, which I suppose should be a badge of honor. I mean, how can one expect to get to Heaven unless one follows some fundamentals? Would that not make one a fundamentalist? Then would it not make sense to say that one cannot get to Heaven unless one follows the fundamental beliefs of the faith, and thus one cannot get to Heaven unless one is a fundamentalist? See how that works?
In any case, the latest recipient of our Jesus Jackpot award is one of these very fundamentalists and someone most of you have heard of by now, pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church. If you’ve not heard of this Patriot for God you should begin paying attention, because this is one of the guys who will be leading you home, should you really want to come. In much the same way that your religious leaders attributed September 11th and Hurricane Katrina to Dad being upset about homosexuality and tolerance of other behaviors, Phelps points out that those men and women coming home from Iraq in body bags are Dad’s direct punishment for the allowance of homosexuality in America. In fact, he and his congregation feel so strongly about their cause that they protest at the funerals of the fallen soldiers.
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Posted by Jesus on March 23, 2007
I’m sure most of you have now heard about the website GodTube.com, an utterly brilliant idea utilizing the same technology and design as YouTube, but without all of that pesky sinful content. Our topic today comes from one of the many fantastic videos offered by this stronghold of faith and belief, and more importantly exposes a cause which all followers everywhere should rally behind and promote with the full force of your numbers.
The video I’m talking about is, of course, this 30-minute documentary on the link between abortion and breast cancer. Narrated by the ever-bubbly former Miss Ohio 2002, Brita Stream, this video will give you everything you need to know to rationally discuss and bring awareness about this obvious medical link. For those of you looking for a really easy cause that’s sure to give you heaps of points up here in Heaven, look no further. The documentary even features doctors and researchers, many of whom cite actual studies and papers which prove conclusively that this link exists. How many women do you think there are out there who believe that they can get an abortion and still only have an average change of getting breast cancer? How many of them do you think have scientific documented evidence to support such a silly position?
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Posted by Jesus on March 22, 2007
Our topic today is a subject very near and very dear to my heart, little girls. Were I to flood and repopulate the world today it would likely be filled with nothing but little girls and a few cute animals to keep them comfortable. Little girls are, in fact, the single most likely group to receive some form of divine intervention if and when they’re in trouble, simply because we up here in H.C. just adore them. All of them. Even the ugly ones. So in keeping with our topic of little girls, our story comes to us today from Yahoo News, who recently ran a fantastic story on the growing “Purity Balls” trend sweeping my followers in America. Some of you may have heard about these.
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Posted by Jesus on March 21, 2007
Although many of you prayed in asking for a story about the boy found in the woods, I want to talk about something else today. True, it’s very important that he was found alive, and I’m hearing no end to the thank you’s and appreciations for keeping him so (you’re welcome, by the way), but you’ve all kind of lost track of what’s really critical in the world. I don’t mind you praying for his safe return, and I definitely don’t mind you rejoicing after the fact, but I’ve had enough of your nastiness and ill will, especially at prayer time. Just because I chose to keep this young man alive doesn’t mean I should have done the same for James Kim, or those mountain climbers on Hood, or any of the other poor souls some of you have come to me complaining about. It’s perfectly alright to ask, and better to praise, but there is no room for criticism in your prayers.
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Posted by Jesus on March 20, 2007
Today’s story is one that has been getting a lot of attention in your mainstream media, the Bong Hits 4 Jesus sign and its meteoric rise to your top court. It seems that back in 2002, when the Olympic Torch was moving through a town in Alaska, a student named Joseph Frederick unfurled a banner with those words written up on it and received a suspension from his high school principal, Deborah Morse, as a result. Right now the case is being argued in front of the Supreme Court of the United States of America.
I suppose it is really a Constitutional matter, that which deals with free speech and how far a school may go in silencing unpopular or illegal stances on topics ranging today from drugs to religion, and abortion to homosexuality tomorrow. And while the court argues these minor details, only one person involved in the whole process has actually taken the time to ask me how I feel about the matter. Yep, you heard that right - 363 people involved at what I call the top level, from judges to aides to lawyers to fact-checkers to clerks, school administrators and politicians and nonprofit organization heads to students, and only one of them has stopped and asked what would Jesus do?
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