The great shrimp killing of 2010
Posted by Jesus on July 29, 2010
Wow, what a busy summer it’s been! My angels tell me a lot of you have been praying to me these last months, so first off let me apologize for my complete and utter neglect of your needs and desires. If you’ve lost a loved one lately, know that you have my deepest sympathies, especially if you were somehow counting on me to intervene in their fate. My team and I have been hard at work on a special project for God over the last couple of months, so please don’t hold our lack of interjection in your daily lives against us. I doubt you will though, especially when you hear what we’ve been doing. The short version: we’re killing all of the shellfish on Earth so more of you can go to Heaven! Tell me that’s not worth a couple of months of ignored prayers and dead relatives!
I had intended to write a long post about how intellectually stimulating and absolutely coherent super-Christian 
As I’m sure all of you know, working harder, preparing better, tackling more aggressively, and playing consistently does not win Super Bowls. Offense does not win Super Bowls. Defense does not win Super Bowls. All-star quarterbacks, once-in-a-generation running backs, clutch kickers, and trick plays do not win Super Bowls. The single determining factor in which professional team wins the Super Bowl is prayer. Simply put, the team that prays harder wins it. Every year.
You’ve probably heard about the 
It’s taken way too long for the US federal government to acknowledge the obvious: the 
The news out of Haiti is 
Like most good Christians I am a huge King of the Hill fan. In fact, if I weren’t the son of God and savior of mankind, I would undoubtedly live in Texas and sell propane and propane accessories. What I wouldn’t do, however, is allow a filthy, untalented, self-centered, idiot whorebag niece like Luanne to live with me, but then I suppose that’s what makes Hank Hill such a wonderful Christian and role model for so many. Anyway, the filthy, untalented, self-centered, idiot whorebag who voiced Luanne – Brittany Murphy – 
We’ve all been holding our breath up here, hoping that God might deliver the first pardon of His career, but it doesn’t look good for Tiger. I guess since this is the only thing you guys are praying in about lately that I ought to tell it like it is. Tiger Woods is going to Hell for screwing lots of and lots of whores. Obviously all of the whores Tiger Woods screwed are also destined for hell, but no one really cares about them, what with them being filthy, gurgling, disease-ridden, dumpsters for Tiger’s immaculate golf seed.