Welcoming Jesse Helms
Posted on July 8th, 2008 by Jerry Falwell
My friends and fellow believers, it is my distinct pleasure to inform you that Jesse Helms has just been released from the Heavenly receiving department and is now at the right hand of Jesus. Of course no one should be surprised, as very few people exemplified the beliefs of Jesus so clearly and passionately as did our dear friend Jesse. I have been asked to say a few words at dinner tonight in his honor, and I’d like to summarize a couple of thoughts for those of you who missed the coverage over the holiday weekend.
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Remembering revolutions
Posted on July 4th, 2008 by Jesus
What is it to remember the date of your Independence? Buried deep within the soul of every American is the desire to pay homage to a date on which something truly incredible happened. Hundreds of millions of you will wake up this morning (or this afternoon) and know that something about this day, right now, feels different. This is no ordinary summer Friday. You’ll drive down the streets in your town, looking at little caricatures of yourselves dressed in stars and stripes, smiling and nodding as if a weight had been lifted from your collective shoulders, content in the knowledge that you are a part of something great, something that has been around for a long time, something that’s important.
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The Texas Supreme Court is going to Heaven!
Posted on July 1st, 2008 by Jesus
No matter how long you live or how widely you travel, there are a great many things you are not likely to see in your short time on Earth. Among the most rare of all encounters are those which deal with a real, live manifest demon. Given the infrequency with which a real human possession occurs, compounded by the unavailability of good priests trained in the matter available to discover these possessions, you are statistically less likely to witness a true demon exorcism than you are to join the mile high club with a nun.
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Posted in A Jesus Jackpot | Damnation Level: | No Comments »
A day with my Dad
Posted on June 15th, 2008 by Jesus
My Father is admittedly very different from yours. While I’m sure yours can fashion all sorts of neat things out of wood and probably makes what you feel to be the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the planet, mine created everything that is and controls every aspect of your destiny like so many pawns on His big chessboard. Plus no one has anything on His PB&J, not even Mom, and certainly not your dad. Still, today is a happy day. This is the one day out of the year that you all choose to oblige yourselves to the man who brought you into the world and somehow hasn’t gotten around to taking you out yet.
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Posted in Words of Wisdom | Damnation Level: | 4 Comments »
Does digg.com hate Jesus?
Posted on June 10th, 2008 by Jesus
You’re not going to believe what happened to me yesterday. I was catching up with a few of my many fans on digg.com and decided to impart a little bit of wisdom to readers of a story about John McCain. I said something about 9/11 being punishment for America’s continued acceptance of fags, followed that up with a little pep talk on how to avoid tornadoes, and capped it off with something about America being just fine as long as McCain was half the Christian George Bush is. Next thing I know I’m banned from digg.com, and the prayers start pouring in from souls lost and bewildered without my presence in their digital lives. It was complete havoc.
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Posted in War Stories | Damnation Level: | 2 Comments »
Hussein Obama - is he the guy?
Posted on June 4th, 2008 by Jesus
If you haven’t heard already, you’ll know before the day is out: Barack Hussein Obama is the presumptive Democratic nominee, and will almost certainly face off against John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election. There are a lot of you praying in right now asking how and why this could happen, and I’m sure there will be a lot more of you with questions as you emerge from your American Idol or Lost hangovers to discover that there isn’t a major candidate in the race who actually stands for God’s values. But what is a good Christian to do?
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Jesus answers your emails (part 2)
Posted on May 28th, 2008 by Jesus
There are so many wonderful things about being the Son of the Creator God that sometimes even I become overwhelmed. I wake up every morning in the most perfect place ever created, surrounded in my acre-wide bed by dozens of my closest followers, only to go to work serving you, God’s amazing and much-loved creation. You would not believe the number of prayers I hear every day either. I have no greater joy in my life than listening and occasionally responding to your requests, or at least the ones which don’t involve your sports teams, the grades you kids are getting, or nailing your cute cousin. My favorite days are those which find me directly engaged in your lives, which to be honest don’t come around as often since my services are in such high demand in Iraq. Today is going to be a good day though. Today I’m answering your emails.
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Posted in Feedbacking the Masses | Damnation Level: | 1 Comment »
Ted Kennedy is going to Hell. Soon.
Posted on May 20th, 2008 by Jerry Falwell
I don’t know if it was the dead girl in the river, the choir boy in the Hamptons, the illegal immigrant orgy last summer, or the free abortions Kennedy provided in his private Olympic-size pool. Senator Ted Kennedy has a brain tumor, and it’s bad. Leave it to God to always know what you humans need, for good or for bad, in health or in poverty, in election season or American Idol season. He’ll stand you up as tall and as strong as a mountain or collapse you on yourself with a flick of His AIDS. When God sends you a message you’re supposed to get it. So my question tonight is to Ted Kennedy: are you listening?
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Posted in Guest Columns | Damnation Level: | 4 Comments »
The fist of an angry God
Posted on May 16th, 2008 by Jesus
Have you been watching the news lately? A hundred thousand or more dead in Burma. Tens of thousands in China. God is obviously at work in Asia. Of course He works in very mysterious ways, so you probably don’t yet understand why He feels the need to extinguish so many lives in so short a time. You probably won’t understand, but today I’m going to try to explain this to you. Dad killed all of those people for good reason, and no one up here in Heaven is really sure He’s done yet.
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Anal sex
Posted on May 9th, 2008 by Jesus
It’s Friday night. You’re just wrapping up your fifth date with a pretty redhead, and you’ve been invited to her place again. You sneak quietly through the living room, being careful so as not to wake her parents. You get to her room at the end of the hall, where she lights a scented candle and puts on a Ben Harper CD. You talk about how much fun you had playing miniature golf or where you want to go over the summer, and somehow or another during your conversation most of your clothes end up on the floor. But before you can finish your declaration that dalmatians are better than poodles, she leans in close and whispers something new in your ear: I’m feeling naughty, want to put it in my butt?
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Posted in Words of Wisdom | Damnation Level: | 5 Comments »
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