the personal blog of Jesus Christ of Nazareth
"Homosexuals are weak, morally sick wretches." ~Jesse Helms
Posted by Jesus on June 25, 2009
He’s here! The freakin’ King of Pop is here! In a few minutes I’m going to meet my disciples outside the Gates where God will be trying Michael Jackson! We haven’t had a case this contentious in a long, long time. I’m going to be updating in real-time and tweeting or twatting or whatever it’s called when I dispatch a miracle to update the Twitter thing. On to the trial!
Posted by Jesus on June 24, 2009
I apologize, my children. I should have told you earlier that South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was a filthy whoremonger and cheater. As you’ve probably heard by now, he’s been outed by your mainstream media in what is only the latest in a series of running sex scandals for God’s chosen Republican Party. If they don’t get it together pretty quick, I have it on good authority that some severe smitings are going to begin.
Posted by Jesus on June 23, 2009
My children, a great injustice has been done in Georgia. In what will unquestionably go down as one of the single worst decisions in the history of world jurisprudence, the Georgia Supreme Court has decided that the children of a man who chose late in his life to defy God and live a life of filthy, abhorrent sexual deviance should be allowed to spend even one further second with his children! I haven’t wept like this in years. I can’t even sit uninterested and apathetic from the sideline and watch the events unfolding in Iran anymore I’m so bothered by this.
Posted by Jesus on June 11, 2009
You know, as the Son of God it is my duty to love each and every one of you more than I love even myself. I will admit that on the mornings that I catch sight of myself in the mirror this can be tougher than you’d think. You have no idea the kind of ripped physique 2,000 years of carpentry will give you. Yet despite my mandate to love each of you, I am under no obligation whatsoever to actually like any of you. And that brings me to the subject of today’s offering, Sarah Palin.
Posted by Jesus on June 10, 2009
On a normal day I’ll receive somewhere in the neighborhood of ten to thirteen million prayers asking for some person or group to be killed, and on that same normal day I’ll only answer about fifty of them. It’s not that the millions of other subjects of these prayers for death don’t deserve it – far from it, in fact - the truth of the matter is that I’m just a really busy deity, and I simply can’t fill my day up killing too many of you, however deserved that might be. But one prayer has been very prominent as of late, and today I’d like to address it personally. It is the prayer that Barack Obama might be visited by the vengeance of God.
Posted by Jesus on June 9, 2009
In an unsurprising move earlier today, the family of now-dead baby-killer George Tiller announced that the clinic which saw so many of God’s own creations snuffed out, just as He had created them to be, will be permanently closed. Although I still wish God had chosen something better than a lone devout follower with a gun to carry out His Will in this case, this development does certainly speak to His continued effectiveness, even if His ways don’t seem quite as mysterious as we’ve grown accustomed to in recent years.
Posted by Jesus on June 1, 2009
Of course you’ve all heard the news by now, prominent baby killer George Tiller was late-late-term aborted by God yesterday in his home church in Kansas. George has been on God’s shitlist for a while now, being that killing babies is something He tends to frown upon. I’ve offered to take care of George personally several times over the years, but God always said He had something brewing. Yesterday we all got to see His handiwork. Between you and me, though, I’m not impressed.
Posted by Jesus on May 10, 2009
My, what a busy couple of weeks it’s been. Despite heroic efforts by virtually every person outside of the United States to contain or better understand swine flu, the disease is still spreading. My team and I have been putting an extraordinary effort into breaking into Asia with the disease, as God has decreed that this one should spread “the old-fashioned way.” That means teams of Angels going door-to-door, fighting Satan’s forces hand-to-hand, to spread His Wrath. I would have thought that I’d be unhappy with the arrangement, but I’ve never had so much fun!
Posted by Jesus on April 27, 2009
My children, I am truly sorry. I tried hard to convince Dad to show you some leniency, but it looks like He’s going to fuck up a whole bunch of you with swine flu in very short order. It’s not the end I would have chosen for any of you, but unfortunately I’m only the Planner’s son. Here’s what you need to know to survive the coming Wrath of God.
Posted by Jesus on April 20, 2009
There are only a few truly exciting days in my year. Easter, Christmas, Good Friday, and all of those other half-baked pseudo-religious pagan festivals are nothing more than man-made blasphemies against God, so of course they don’t count. April 20th, however…well, let’s just say that today is important for different reasons. It may well be the most important day of the year, come to think of it. Then again I might just be saying that because I’m stoned beyond belief.
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