the personal blog of Jesus Christ of Nazareth
"Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." -Ephesians 5:24
Posted by Jesus on March 11, 2010
I know a whole bunch of you loved that whiny, snot-nosed, pathetic weenie bitch Corey Haim, and for those of you who did today’s post may be a little tough to swallow. Corey was a pussy, you see, and as we all know pussies don’t get to go to Heaven. Not even pussies that lucked into movie roles.
Posted by Jesus on February 7, 2010
As I’m sure all of you know, working harder, preparing better, tackling more aggressively, and playing consistently does not win Super Bowls. Offense does not win Super Bowls. Defense does not win Super Bowls. All-star quarterbacks, once-in-a-generation running backs, clutch kickers, and trick plays do not win Super Bowls. The single determining factor in which professional team wins the Super Bowl is prayer. Simply put, the team that prays harder wins it. Every year.
Posted by Jesus on February 4, 2010
You’ve probably heard about the 10 Baptists who tried to bring 33 Haitian children to better lives by taking them out of their own country by now. It’s pretty much the only thing HNN is talking about anymore up here, and for good reason. These 10 awesome people are now facing charges for doing exactly what I would have done in their place! Revolting, I know!
Posted by Jesus on January 15, 2010
It’s taken way too long for the US federal government to acknowledge the obvious: the recent massacre at a US military institution by a muslim was nothing short of an act of terrorism. Of course all good Christians knew this the second it became clear that a muslim was involved, but it’s good to finally get those in power to listen to reason.
Posted by Jesus on January 13, 2010
The news out of Haiti is grim. More than 100,000 are feared dead, the vast majority of them unbelievers or satanists. That’s right, virtually every one of the dead were pagan or devil-worshipers, which should give you a clue about who is responsible for their current predicament. God, in His infinite and perfect wisdom, has rained His wrath down on Haiti.
Posted by Jesus on December 20, 2009
Like most good Christians I am a huge King of the Hill fan. In fact, if I weren’t the son of God and savior of mankind, I would undoubtedly live in Texas and sell propane and propane accessories. What I wouldn’t do, however, is allow a filthy, untalented, self-centered, idiot whorebag niece like Luanne to live with me, but then I suppose that’s what makes Hank Hill such a wonderful Christian and role model for so many. Anyway, the filthy, untalented, self-centered, idiot whorebag who voiced Luanne – Brittany Murphy – is dead. It should come as no surprise that she’s going to Hell.
Posted by Jesus on December 15, 2009
We’ve all been holding our breath up here, hoping that God might deliver the first pardon of His career, but it doesn’t look good for Tiger. I guess since this is the only thing you guys are praying in about lately that I ought to tell it like it is. Tiger Woods is going to Hell for screwing lots of and lots of whores. Obviously all of the whores Tiger Woods screwed are also destined for hell, but no one really cares about them, what with them being filthy, gurgling, disease-ridden, dumpsters for Tiger’s immaculate golf seed.
Posted by Jesus on December 3, 2009
A recent proposed law in Uganda has caught the attention of Heaven, and Dad has asked me to specifically bring it to the attention of you good Christians. The purpose of the legislation is something that is very dear to God. Uganda, you see, is in the process of passing legislation which puts fags to death!
Posted by Jesus on November 20, 2009
She’s been all over the news lately, has a new book out, might be running for President in 2012 and, according to God, is the single stupidest human being yet created. Sarah Palin, attention-whore, actual whore, and mother to a whore, is going to Hell. Here are ten reasons why, complete with scripture to back them up.
Posted by Jesus on November 12, 2009
Being the Son of God demands a lot. My responsibilities go well beyond answering prayers, damning you to the eternal pits of Hell, and concocting hokey stories about mustard seeds and camels. I’m also responsible for overseeing Heaven’s ever-growing network infrastructure, managing the choir, directing neighborhood functions as block captain, and acting as interim long-snapper for Heaven City’s football team until Dad can need more a replacement. But my biggest joy comes from answering your emails.
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